Hao is Bored
by LILMISSS
Summary: The Shaman King is bored. So as his own crazy personal assignment, he goes on a cross-dressing experience to seek out for himself the true sexuality of the five great warriors. No yaoi, but rated T for cross-dressing Hao, and drinking. Bad things.
1. Usui Horokeu

**I don't know why, but I like the idea of Hao cross-dressing, because he's my definition of hot for a male, and he'd look gorgeous as a female (I mean, have you _seen _the fanart?) so I decided to write this. I haven't seen such fanfics before and after writing part of this I understood why – it's weird, admittedly, to write Hao as a female.**

**Anyway, here's what's different from the manga. Hao is a very bored Shaman King who has gained a strange sense of humour (though he already _has _a strange sense of humour), Yoh and Anna are loving parents, Hana is hot-tempered and highly curious about his favourite (oh wait, his _only_) uncle, and I guess that's pretty much all. Hao doesn't like his nephew, but he probably likes the fact that Hana wants to help...mostly because Hao would be the reason why Hana would be traumatized for life.**

**So in advance, I'm so sorry if Hao seems out of character; or even anyone else. It's not even characteristic of Hao to cross-dress. I'm probably going to go in chapters. This is so funny to write.**

* * *

Asakura Hao couldn't help but smile. He was on the verge of laughing, but that wouldn't be very nice and graceful of a _woman_, now wouldn't it...?

He took a glance at the man who couldn't be less than 50 years old, with his hand gripping his crotch, and with a gaping mouth leering at Hao. _Disgusting human_. Hao turned away, smiling as the same man lecherously followed Hao. Suddenly, a weak cry emitted from the man, as his crotch started to flare up, literally, in flames.

"_Someone get the man a fire extinguisher!"_

"_EEEK!"_

"_ARGH! I'M ON FIREE!"_

Hao rolled his eyes. _Small dickhead._

Then he followed the crowd of ladies in killer heels and flowing dresses. He smirked and sighed as he watched one of them stumble. It was indeed quite funny. They were the gender who were supposed to do well in heels and dresses, but a man who was supposed to be dead at least 7 centuries ago could fare way better than them _and _attract more men.

Now, people must wonder – why would the Shaman King be cross-dressing and burning off private parts?

Asakura Hao slid into his seat and ordered a drink. He wasn't sure what the drink was, and he wasn't going to probe, because he already heard the barman's crazed, sexual thoughts as he rushed to spike a drink. He also heard the murmurs of the other people manning the bar coming up to ogle at the _beautiful _(at this, Hao chuckled to himself) woman waiting for the drink.

He was out to expose, for his own sick pleasures, the _true _sexuality of Tao Ren, Usui Horokeu, Lyserg Diethel, and finally...

Asakura Yoh.

He was already quite sure Chocolove McDonell, the final warrior of the elemental spirits, was gay. It was unmistakable when he watched Chocolove operate around his kitchen. Hao was there just as a patron, because the Shaman King was simply bored and wanted some food. It was like watching _Borat _or something; the extent of Chocolove flaunting his sexuality was disturbing to watch, and Hao couldn't help himself by patting the male waiter's arm and saying, "Chocolove's probably gonna rape you, so I send my condolences."

So he had four main targets. Two were already married with kids. Asakura Hana somehow managed to find out about Uncle Hao's plan, and the 16-year-old wanted to help out (except for the exposing of his father; Hana wasn't keen on finding out that his father was gay or something), but Tao Men was too young to know.

* * *

"_Hana," Hao started, already quite displeased that the teen had been so enthusiastic in his plan, but suddenly, a small boy probably half of Hana's height stepped in, with a kwandao at his side and a very upset face._

"_Uncle Hao! I demand you to te-"_

_Hana lunged at Men, disarming him quickly and pinning the small boy to the ground. The white-haired boy struggled angrily, screaming and crying out for Bason and Shamash. "Shut up, annoying brat!" Hana snapped, while Hao watched. He felt Bason and Shamash quickly heading over, so Hana summoned Amidamaru. _

"_Amidamru! GO DISTRACT BASON AND SHAMASH!" Hana commanded._

_The samurai looked from Hana to his uncle, sitting there with a very curious expression, and then frowned. "Bu-!"_

"_NOW!" Hana snapped and Amidamaru hurried complied. He rushed out of the door to placate Shamash and Bason._

_Tao Men forced out a weak gasp. "Okay, FINE! Can you idiots just tell me?" He realised that by 'idiots' he also included Asakura Hao in, so he gulped and cringed as Hao glared._

"_Tsk. Men, you're too...young." Hao shook his head and smiled. "Sorry."_

"_BUT-" Men was running out of options. "I-I'll tell Uncle Yoh you're-!"_

"_I'll tell Aunt Jeanne that you punched a boy in school and Uncle Ren just praised you and didn't tell Aunt Jeanne!" Hana countered back, and Hao marvelled at how determined the teen was to help out Hao's sinister plan. _

_True, his initial plan of absorbing Hana's father was pretty sinister too, but Hao fondly recalled how a 6-year-old Hana took it so well, he even asked for a demonstration from doting Uncle Hao, and insisted that Hana himself be used as a test subject. Hao wasn't even planning on absorbing what was probably a quarter of Hao before (considering Yoh was a half and he gave half of his genetic make-up and merged his with Anna's to create Hana...perhaps that was a little confusing), but Anna stepped in and nearly murdered the two of them._

* * *

Asakura Hana was already watching his uncle, or rather, the _Shaman King_, walk past the lecherous men. It was frankly, highly disgusting, since Hao was a man. _I wonder which idiot would try touching Hao._

He sighed as he realised he spoke too soon. As Hao took his vodka, the barman, obviously under the influence of alcohol, suddenly grabbed his 'breasts' and whispered lustily, "So...you have _quite_ the pair, huh?"

Within a fraction of a fraction of a second (because it happened so quickly), Hao had ignited the man in a flurry of flames. First, the barman was there, and then all of a sudden his body was engulfed in flames, and the next thing Hana knew was that the barman had crumpled into a heap on the floor. Hao had thankfully practised restraint by not killing the man.

"Just first-degree burns," Hao announced, making very sure that no man would ever try that again, "and I suggest no one tries that unless the female consents to such barbaric acts. I mean, no one would like to _combust _due to raging hormones, ne...?"

Hana was quite sure if his own father ever attempted this, and got molested, things wouldn't turn out very well for Yoh. But if it was his mum...Hana shivered at the notion. Much worse than this.

But then again, it was _so _cool. Hana was about to approach his uncle to beg him for lessons, but then their target stormed in.

Usui Horokeu.

Hana tried to hide his blonde hair, but Horo Horo noticed it quickly. "Yo! Hana boy!" Horo Horo called out, and before Hana could run, Horo Horo had grabbed him and smacked his back. "How you doing with lady watching?"

_L-Lady watching? _He heard a snigger from Hao; he must've read the silly thoughts. "U-Um, I have my eye on, um, one gu- I MEAN, um..." He struggled for a word.

Horo Horo looked like he was enjoying himself. "Well? Come on Hana boy, say it! Chick? Babe? Hottie?"

Hana blushed. "U-Um, uh..._girl_?"

This caused the older man to guffaw in laughter. Even Hao, from afar, couldn't help but smile and shake his head sadly. "Oh _man_, Hana boy, you're funny, funny! So, who you got your eye on? I could totally hook you up..."

Hana meekly looked around, and saw Hao give him a knowing glance. "Um...that..._babe_...at the bar."

Horo Horo turned to Hao's direction, and ogled as Hao diverted his eyes away from the Ainu, supposedly as an act of seduction. Hana had to admit that it worked very well, because Horo Horo was so mesmerized by 'her' that he got into some trance-like state and mumbled, "You're too young for that hot stuff, kid."

Hao sighed as Horo Horo slid into the seat beside him. "Hello, what's a beautiful creature like you doing all alone here?" Horo Horo asked sweetly.

As Hana slowly sat on Hao's other side, he nearly choked as Hao sweetly replied, in a convincingly feminine voice, "Oh, the usual." Hao lifted his cup. "Drinking."

"Holy shit..." Hana mumbled in awe, and Horo Horo winked, obviously glad at the positive response. Hao rolled his eyes subtly and sipped at his drink.

"Want a drink?" Hao asked again, and his voice was indeed strangely feminine...and seductive. In some husky way. Hana shuddered at the thought of his uncle being sexy in a feminine wa- oh, crap, he just remembered that Hao could read thoughts.

Hao chuckled and Horo Horo wanted to know why. "What's so funny, hun?"

The Shaman King flashed a charming smile. "I just think it's so funny that such a charming man like yourself would be in the company of people like me," he replied coolly. Hana couldn't help but be awed at how feminine his uncle could be.

"Aw, you're so sweet!" Horo Horo reached out to pinch Hao's cheek, but Hao smartly deflected it by turning to his drink. Hana knew that if Horo Horo were to pinch his cheek, and feel nothing but tough lean muscle on what he presumed was a woman's face...

"So, what's your son doing here with you?" Hao asked, turning to Hana. The blonde detected an evil glint in his uncle's eye, which reminded him once again, of the reality – Hao wasn't a smoking hot girl, just an evil thousand-year-old pedophile bent on subjecting Father and his friends to sheer humiliation. Hao must have heard it, for he just smiled and chided, "Tsk, tsk, where's your mummy?"

_Out for our blood, I reckon_, Hana thought idly, and Hao simply smirked. Horo Horo obviously didn't know what was happening, so he said, "Aw, no darling, this here's my best bud's kid. I'm just one lonely bachelor!"

"Oh, really?" Hao caught the jackpot relatively easily. He turned to face the blushing Ainu and grinned. "Well, I happen to be single too."

_And unavailable, you asshole of a Shaman King!_ Hana snapped in his head, but Hao ignored that comment. After all, Hana was his only nephew.

"Oh, that's so sad, considering how beautiful you are!" Horo Horo sighed wistfully, and both Hao and Hana immediately noticed Horo Horo trying to check out the silicon bags. In response, Hao turned back to Hana and pinched his cheek.

"How old are you, kid? Tsk, fancy such a young thing here..." Hao murmured, and Hana once again shuddered.

"U-Um, I'm fifteen, sir- I MEAN, ma'am."

Hao grinned. Apparently he was enjoying the thrill of getting discovered. "Oh, how young." He held his cup tantalizingly near Hana. "Well, you adorable _little_ kid, I guess I can't treat you to this drink..." He called out to the barman. "Would you get some...orange juice?"

Horo Horo was amazed, but he didn't suspect anything. "Woah! How did you know he likes orange juice?"

"Lucky guess. You must be thirsty." Hao took a glance at the drink and frowned. "Barman, when I said I wanted orange juice, I was planning to give it to the small boy, so would you mind _not_ spiking it? You're so _obvious_."

The Ainu was even more awed. "You even know when the barman spikes your drink! COOL!"

Hao looked annoyed that the barman tried to spike Hana's drink, so when the orange juice came with some wine, Hao glared at his drink, but looked up with a seductive smile. "Would you mind sipping that for me? I'd like to share..."

The barman, who had spiked Hao's wine with a sedative, blushed. Then Horo Horo got...stupid. "I'll take a sip!" he announced, and indeed took a sip.

_What an idiot, _Hana couldn't help but think, and he saw Hao nod subtly. "Was it nice?"

Horo Horo looked dazed, but tried to hide it. "Oh, yeah, it's _great_!" he grinned and handed it to Hao, who gave Hana a watch-this face, and swallowed the liquid easily, without hesitation.

_WHAT WAS THAT FOR?_ Hana roared in his head. The sedative started to kick in for Horo Horo, who started to yawn.

Hao turned to Hana. "Asshole, I'm the Shaman King," he replied back, in his normal voice, "and I'm pretty impervious to this. Can you stop screaming in your head? It's so annoying to hear your thoughts screaming in my head."

Hana frowned. _Aren't you scared that Uncle Horo might hear you?_

Hao grabbed a tuft of Horo Horo's hair and lifted his head. His eyes were half-closed. "Urgh...lemme send you home, kay Hana? Me and the lady here need time alone...urgh..." With that, the blue-haired man's head dropped.

The Shaman King looked at his nephew with an arrogant smirk. "Always trust your uncle."

"Yeah, right, when your uncle brings you to a bar to flirt with my dad's friends!"

"Considering your _uncle _happens to be the _Shaman King_, I don't see what's the problem."

"...Are all thousand-year-old guys like this?" Hana asked in frustration.

"I'm not very sure. My thousand-year-old cat Matamune coughs up fur balls the size of Yoh's oversoul though, if that helps," Hao answered helpfully, with a playful grin on his face. "Now come on, we'll bring you home."

"BUT YOU PROMISED!" Hana fought back.

"Ugh...Ren? Is that you, my friend? Shit, why the _hell _is your voice so damn _high-pitched_? Haven't hit puberty or something?"

Hana shot Hao a death glare, but the Shaman King seemed to be enjoying it. Horo Horo ignored the silence, and continued. "Shit, who are you screaming at...? I didn't take your milk, I swear..."

Hao cleared his throat. "Let's go..." He thought for a while, then continued, "..._hunk_." He turned to Hana, and whispered, "Shit, that felt so gay."

_Agreed._

"...Yay...!" Horo Horo slurred happily.

* * *

"Is this my car?" Horo Horo asked, as Hao and Hana slowly helped him to a room. It was Hao's room actually. What Hana remembered from Horo Horo's complaints and whines was that Hao decided to make fun of humans, so he targeted a famous campany, joined it, then worked his way to the very top. He exposed the boss as being a fraud and successfully took hold of the company within a matter of _days_. It was quite strange, but Yoh had reasoned that with Reishi, Hao simply targeted a company with shady bosses, obtained the necessary documents, then exposed them and took the company as his own.

So now...he was _loaded_.

Hana found himself in Hao's apartment. Hao didn't need much so all he had was a sack filled with the necessary, and a huge bed.

"Hey, can you pay a share of my allowance?" Hana asked, but he was met with a chortle.

"I don't see the reason why," Hao replied back.

"Hey, dear, could you...urgh...lock up the kid in the toilet? His mum will _murder_ me. She'd..._mutilate_ my my my boday..." Horo Horo mumbled, slinging an arm over Hao, trying to grab at the silicon bags.

Hao sighed and threw the man on the bed. Much to Hana's disgust, Hao crawled up and whispered in Horo Horo's ear. He wasn't sure what, but Horo Horo took some time to digest whatever Hao had said.

Take out the camera, Hao mouthed, and Hana reached into his pocket for the digital camera. Hao took out a wet tissue and cleaned his face off of the offending make-up. He unpinned his hair to resemble his normal hair and kicked off the heels.

"Smile..." Hana mumbled as Hao grinned and posed for the camera next to the drunk Horo Horo.

"Okay, record it," Hao mumbled as he whispered again the question. This time, Hana could hear it too clearly.

"_So, Usui Horokeu...straight, gay, or bi?"_

Horo Horo gave the camera a stupid smile, reaching for the silicon bags next to him that Hao was still wearing. "Um...I think I'm bi..."

"And why is that so?"

"I once had this...thing for tongari boy...he was...some Chinese man who has a kid now..." Horo Horo mumbled.

"Ah. What was his name?" Hana asked excitedly.

"Tao...Tao Ren...ugh, maybe I should invite him for a hot spring bath..."

Hao and Hana exchanged amused glances. Hana looked like he was about to explode from containing his laughter, and Hao looked like he could continue asking even more crazy questions. But then Horo Horo turned to face Hao, who had already placed the silicon bags next to Horo Horo for the Ainu's perverse pleasure. Hao had already stripped to a pair of skinny jeans that he was wearing beneath his flowing dress, and he was taking out a shirt from his bag.

And Horo Horo screamed.

* * *

"Morning, Uncle Hao. Morning, Kororo."

"Morning. Stop calling me that."

"Sorry. Morning, _ma'am_."

"You know, if you called me that ten years ago when I was still out for your father's soul, I would've burnt you and fed you to the Spirit of Fire."

"...fine..."

Horo Horo struggled to recall what the _hell _happened.

* * *

"_ARGH!" Hana screamed as Horo Horo screamed himself. Hao was just enjoying the show._

_Before Horo Horo could jump out of the bed and scream for Kororo, Hao threw the silicon bags in Horo Horo's face as a distraction. As Kororo appeared and looked horrified as to why Hao would throw a pair of fake breasts at her master, Hana quickly took Kororo to a side and explained everything that happened._

_Much to Hao's relief, the spirit giggled nonsensically and watched silently as Hao held him down, slowly willing the Ainu to sleep..._

* * *

He found the breasts strapped to his chest.

Kororo giggled and Hana snorted at his realization

"Hello, beautiful," Hao called out, with an evil grin on his face, "how's your new breast implants coming along?"

"...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

**This author has a strange strange mind.**


	2. Lyserg Diethel

Hana, heaving a deep sigh, grabbed his bag from the overhead compartment and exited the plane. He just endured a long, exhausting flight to London, where a family friend awaited him.

"It'd be good for you," Yoh, his father insisted one day as the two boys scrubbed at the toilet floors together, under the watchful eye of their residential toilet ghost, "since you'd get to have a nice change of environment.

"Mm," was what Hana could mumble out in response, and the two worked in silence yet again.

And just before Hana broke the news to Hao, the Shaman King simply told Hana that he was migrating.

"Wait. _What_?" Hana cried out. "W-Where will I go for math tuition to slack?"

Hao raised an eyebrow. "We had math tuition?" As he slipped in the last of his belongings into a simple rucksack, he added, "I always thought it was English tuition instead."

Hana groaned and threw himself on the couch. "How can I escape school _now_?"

At this, his uncle chortled. "You'll see in two weeks or so…but for now, just _man up _and well, survive school. In time, you'll see that it pays."

The blonde stared. "That is the most _clichéd bullshit_ I have _EVER _HEARD!"

"Clichéd bullshit indeed, Hana, but I think after you move you'd be begging to come back." Hao looked fondly at his sparse apartment. "Well, I'll be off to ride that silly contraption you call a plane."

As he stepped out of the apartment, Hana called after him, getting up from the couch. "Wait, aren't you going to tell me where you're going?"

"Oh yes. I'm moving to…" Hao tapped his temple in thought for a bit, "an uncharted island around these parts."

"…you know an uncharted island?"

"Of course. I'm the Shaman King." Hao beamed at Hana. "I've decided to take the more _normal_ mode of transport to the place. Now if you excuse me, I have a plane to catch, as the humans say."

* * *

Hana sighed. Hao had indeed been right – in two weeks, Hana was out of school and he was packing for his trip to London.

As he retrieved his baggage and exited the arrival hall into the cold airport, he spotted Lyserg Diethel waving at him. "Hello, Hana," Lyserg greeted cheerfully, "wait for me at the pick-up point over there, will you? I'll go drive my car over."

"Mmm," Hana mumbled, sulking as the green-haired man walked away, leaving the foreigner to himself. The blonde looked around, and scowling, he shuffled over to the pick-up point.

"Oh, the car. Right. Hey, Hana, you can go buy some sweets and all at the convenience store there." He waved vaguely in a general direction.

Hana yawned. "Whatever." He strode over and slowly browsed through the small shelves for any food that seemed vaguely familiar in a foreign land.

When he was done, he paid and shoved the food in his bag. "Just in case Lyserg doesn't feed me."

As he emerged, he walked towards the pick-up point, where Lyserg was making friendly banter with a young woman.

"So you're actually my next-door neighbour, wow!" Lyserg smiled at the woman. "I've never seen you before."

As Hana approached, he averted his gaze. The young woman had locks of lovely blonde hair, with deep brown eyes and a shy smile. She wasn't wearing much make-up, save for her powdered cheeks and as the blonde approached the duo, he couldn't help but comb back his hair nervously. She was _stunning_, in a modest sort of way.

The woman nodded distractedly. "Yes, I just came back from New York." She looked at Hana, who pretended to yawn and smile at her. "Oh, my, your son seems a little…jetlagged, perhaps?"

Lyserg glanced at Hana. "Oh, Hana? No, he's not my son. He's just staying over for a bit. I was the only man in the house before that, you know." As he opened the trunk, he turned to his new female friend. "Do you want a lift home?"

"Yes, that'd be…_delightful_." The woman smiled gratefully as Lyserg heaved her trunk into the boot. "Thank you very much, Mr Diethel."

"Please, Lyserg would be fine." He grinned as he gestured for Hana to dump his luggage in. Hana gave the woman a shy smile before he settled into the car.

"We're going to have a nice long ride back," Lyserg started, as he buckled his seat belt, "so you both just take a nice long rest. Must've been such a long plane ride."

"Yes, it was quite rather tiring." The woman twirled a lock of her hair, smiling. "Oh, my, I forgot to introduce myself! How impudent. I'm…_Heather_."

"Right. I'll make sure to remember that," Lyserg nodded to himself, as though he had to key in every single letter of her name into his typewriter of a brain. Hana yawned and slumped back, watching the scenery. He felt…a little insecure for some reason, but he attributed it to the young lady sitting beside Lyserg, quietly staring out of the window.

With a slight smile, he hoped she had a younger sister who looked like her, and drifted into sleep.

* * *

"Wake up, Hana, we're here!" Lyserg called out.

"Let the child sleep; it must've been such a tiring trip here," Heather responded in a singsong voice.

The detective seemed to consider that. "Maybe. Oh, I'll help you with your luggage first."

The blonde nodded. "Yes, that'd be fine. Thank you. I'll open the door, then."

Hana woke up groggily, rubbing his eyes. With a stretch, he stepped out of the car and took in the small apartment block that was to be his home for a month. Frowning, he fervently hoped that once again, he could meet a pretty female companion. "I'll take my bag, Uncle Lyserg."

"No, that's fine, though would you help with Ms Heather's luggage please?" Lyserg shot a weary smile at Hana.

With a quiet grunt Hana agreed, and heaved, with much difficulty, Heather's luggage. "Women," Hana mumbled.

As he walked over to Heather, she replied smoothly, "Women indeed," with a subtle smirk on her face.

"…huh?"

At this, Heather grinned, and Hana soon began to make sense of everything. "You _really _fell for it, _didn't _you?" Hao murmured, grinning as he lowered his large female hat to shield his grin from Lyserg.

"…WHAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Hana!" Lyserg widened his eyes. "You okay?"

He turned to 'Heather'. "What happened?"

"Must be feeling the atmosphere of London for the first time," he replied silkily, with his female voice. With a smile, he patted Hana's head. "You poor child. You'll have _quite _a lot of fun here."

Much to Hana's horror, Lyserg nodded in agreement. "You're right. Come on, Hana, you can go up and have a nap."

"That'd be nice for the boy. Go on, love," Hao smiled as he messed up Hana's hair.

"…Ms Heather, can I see your house?" Hana asked, glaring at Hao as he feigned some form of surprise.

Lyserg gave a nervous laugh. "I think she's had a tiring time too, Han-"

"No, that's fine. Come in, and let's have some tea, shall we, Hana? I'll give you a nice tour." Hao beamed as he opened the door to his apartment, taking Hana by the elbow.

As Hana stepped in, Hao closed the door swiftly and ripped off his wig. "I'm hoping Lyserg isn't gay," he mumbled, "because if that's the case, Heather has to fly back to New York and rent out her apartment to a random male character that I have yet to come up with a name for."

"Aren't you supposed to be in…in…some, I don't know, some _uncharted island far from here_?" Hana burst out. "A-And how the _hell _did you manage to get a British accent?"

"Hana, I've been stalking human beings as a ghost for a period shy of a thousand years. I've watched enough important British people to know how they speak." He pulled off his dress and tossed it aside in a huff. Throwing himself on a couch, he pointed vaguely towards the interiors of the apartment. "If you're _really _interested in tea, there's a bunch in the cupboard. At least, the last I checked, the family had some."

"…what family?" Hana sat on a large chair, staring at the kitchen.

"Well, you've obviously heard from your _daddy dearest,_" and at this, Hao shook his head with a chuckle, "that I was a mass murderer who killed shamans in the Shaman tournament and eventually became Shaman King, right?"

"…yeah…wait." Hana paled. "You mean this is the home of one of the…"

"Yep. Don't stare at me like that. I got permission."

"…by threatening them?"

"In hell, yes. Sort of." Hao shrugged. "They wouldn't need it, anyway. You know, I feel so London-ish right now, I'm going to have some tea. Care for some?"

"…no thanks, I'll pass. Besides, I'll be going back soon, right?"

"Yes, to my next victim, Mr Lyserg Diethel, who has _clearly_ been metaphorically _arrested with love _by his _charming _new neighbour, Ms Heather. Should I have a surname for her?"

"…no."

"Fine. So I'll be just Heather." Hao stretched. "I think you should go back now. Besides, I'll be over quite soon, to chat about Lyserg's detective work. Worming my way into his little wrapped-up life in London."

Hao smiled as Hana got up and exited the apartment. He closed the door behind him and walked over to Lyserg's apartment door. "I'm back…!" he called out, knocking at his door.

"Ah, okay. Come in, and I'll show you your room. I just got a call from your father; do you want to talk to him?" Lyserg ushered him into the comfy little bachelor pad. It was rather well kept, with a pleasant view of London by the balcony. Since he couldn't have a nice female companion now, Hana thought stoically to himself, in the very least he could sit out by the balcony with some food.

"It's a nice place," Hana forced out with a smile. "I like the view."

"Thanks," Lyserg replied, with a pleasant smile. "It gets a bit…lonely in here, so I'm glad you're here."

"Don't you work, or anything?" the blonde asked, as he perused through a men's magazine. "Dad said you were a detective."

"Yeah. It's been a bit sluggish, though. Oh, by the way, I haven't seen Morphine around here. She was here a while ago, but she went over to Ms Heather's apartment. Have you seen her?"

* * *

"Stupid insect, I'm trying to pour tea here!" Hao snapped, swatting away Morphine impatiently. "Goodness, if you want tea, go ask your _darling_ green-haired shaman, will you?"

The pink spirit glared at him. "I only have the _purest_ of intentions for Lyserg, I _promise_." Hao started insincerely, as he placed two teacups on the table. He took a sip from one and gestured for Morphine to do the same with hers, albeit very reluctantly.

"He's been very sexually _confused_, and I'm just trying to help…_save _him. Yes. He's always thinking about how he looks like a female and how he _should _be a female sometimes, so by being physically _and_ sexually attractive as a male _and _a female, I am in the _best_ position to help him know all these!" Hao assured, patting Morphine's small head with his finger.

She looked at him skeptically. "Look, has he been buying women's magazines for some form of 'research'?"

At this, she nodded sadly.

"And has he _also _been buying men's _Playboy _magazines to lock himself inside the room with?"

Another quiet nod.

"See? That's why I'm here, you darn pink…fairy thing." Hao took a gulp of his tea. "I'm _helping _him. Sure, he'll be traumatized and stuff, but at least he won't be tormented by this sexuality nonsense!"

Morphine nodded in agreement to herself, as she took a gulp of her tea. Suddenly, she looked up and floated up to his face, gesticulating worriedly.

Hao rolled his eyes. "Don't delude yourself, pink fairy. Which grown, _supposedly_ straight man would think about whether he should be born a female?" After a small thought, Hao argued again, "I mean, _you _don't think 'Oh, if only I were a male fairy', right?"

Morphine's face contorted in disgust, and that was all Hao needed.

"_Exactly_. See, this isn't _normal_ behaviour. Now, you done with your tea, there? Go fly back to Lyserg and tell him what you think of _lovely,_ _charming_ Heather and her _great_ interest of detective novels. Oh, and that she'll be going off for groceries at five o' clock later, so he can…chat her up or something, I don't _know_. Now, _shoo_ and let me drink my tea, and feel remotely British in _peace_."

As Morphine floated away with a eager smile on her face, Hao shook his head. "Fairies. I can't believe she believed that stupid argument."

* * *

"Oh, there she is. Did you disturb Heather at all?" Lyserg asked, frowning. Morphine shook her head rapidly, and gave him a shy smile.

"Okay. That's good." Morphine nodded in agreement, and she floated up to Lyserg, gesticulating.

"She's going for groceries at five?" Lyserg looked at the clock on the wall. "Well…I guess we could go together…"

He glanced at Hana, who quickly looked away, pretending to stare at the view. "Hey, Hana, I'll be leaving for something at five. You okay staying with Morphine?"

Morphine beamed at him and nodded eagerly, almost too eagerly. Hana immediately knew she was not only aware of Hao's nefarious plan, she was also somehow highly supportive of it. He raised an eyebrow at her.

"Um…I guess I could…" he looked around the room for some form of entertainment, "…look at your bookshelf. Or watch TV."

"Great. Okay. I'll leave at five then. Five," he mumbled to himself as he took a bite of his biscuits.

* * *

4.55pm soon came, and Hao found himself staring at a female in the mirror, asking Morphine if he should braid up his hair or leave it messy.

"I _know _he has a fetish of braids; I hear his thoughts all the time," Hao told her, glowering as he braided his wig. "It's not very strong now, my mind-reading abilities so I can only hear faint murmurs from his mind."

He stared absently at the reflection, with Morphine on his shoulder. "I'm leaving it this way. I should look as unprepared as possible. I'll throw on some pretty dress later; I hate those abominations."

Morphine nodded in agreement as Hao began walking towards the kitchen. Without looking at the kitchen, he picked up a pen and scribbled down a random list of things to buy. "He's checking the corridor just in case I go out early, isn't he? Go tell him she's...writing a grocery list. Silly greenhorn." Hao dismissed Morphine as she hurriedly floated out of the door. To her mild surprise, Lyserg was indeed there, staring intently at the door.

"Is she…?" he mouthed, and Morphine shook her head helpfully. "Oh. Okay, that's alright. I'll just…head back."

Hana peeked out from the living room. "Is Ha- Heather out yet?"

"Nope. Not yet. Why?" Lyserg tried to smile casually.

"…no, nothing. I just…" Hana pondered for a moment, then continued, "…I just like how she brews her tea."

"Really?" Lyserg raised an eyebrow with a curious smile. "I'd like to try it one day."

"Yeah, she probably has an…_interesting _way of brewing it…" he mumbled, as he flicked the magazine lazily.

Lyserg smiled, painfully unaware. He took a peek outside, sighed, and then closed the door. He sat down beside it, twiddling his fingers.

Hana rolled his eyes. "Why are you sitting at a door for a woman?"

"Well…it's been really lonely here, I guess. So it'd be nice to have some female company, right?" Lyserg replied, smiling.

Hana frowned. "So I'm _not _company enough for you?"

At this, Lyserg laughed nervously. "No, no, you're fine, but I'd enjoy company with people _my _age, you see…"

"…you know, Ms Heather could be older than you or something." Hana pointed out bluntly, and he saw Morphine scowl at him angrily from the corner of his eye.

"Well…I was going to ask her by going out with her. You can tell a lot by following a woman around," he stated simply, as he took a peek. He suddenly lit up. "She's out. Well, I'll make my leave now."

"Have fun," Hana snorted out.

* * *

Hao stepped out and tried not to snort as Lyserg _coincidentally _stepped out as well. "Why, hello, Heather. Going out?" he asked pleasantly.

"Yes, to the grocery store. And you, _good_ sir?"

"Ah, I was just about to head out for groceries too!" Lyserg looked as though he was a little child at Christmas, receiving one present that would soon shape his life. Hao had to control the urge to send a snide remark over. "I could…drive you there, if you want."

"That'd be very nice, thank you," Hao mumbled as he set off, bracing himself for whatever stupidity that was to come from the green-haired man.

* * *

A week passed and it seemed as though Hao wasn't planning to do anything sinister to love-struck Lyserg, who would float about the house chortling to himself in the most unmanly ways about his darling angel next door. Hana was sick and tired of the rubbish he had to endure, and because Lyserg was deathly afraid that he might chase 'dear Heather' away, Hana was forbidden to go over for tea.

The blonde mostly spent his time surfing the internet, sleeping, eating off his reserves from the airport and also trying to establish some form of contact with Hao. Morphine wasn't helping much because she was too busy trying to snap Lyserg back into his usual calm self, and also trying to keep in touch with Hao's plans. She wasn't particularly happy about the way Hao changed his plans.

At that, Hana grinned to himself. It was just Wednesday when Hao, on a whim, told Morphine he was going to 'go up to that detective and seduce his girl pants off', and the poor spirit was so anxious Lyserg stayed at home, worried that Morphine would spontaneously combust.

But as Hana watched Lyserg surreptitiously pick up the phone to call Heather, he realized why Hao had to stay for a week and not try anything on Lyserg. The detective was a careful, calm man, and it was wise for Hao to not arouse any suspicions in him, as the Shaman King slowly gained Lyserg's trust as Heather. It worked perfectly – Lyserg needed a woman companion and Heather's appearance was timely.

There was something strange though, Hana thought to himself, as Lyserg spoke, in hushed tones, to Heather. Lyserg somehow wasn't making a move on Heather, and if he had some form of romantic or sexual interests in Heather, he wasn't showing any indications of said interests.

The blonde rolled over to his side, facing the balcony. Lyserg was a _detective_, for goodness sake. He wouldn't show his emotions easily. With that, Hana drifted back to his thoughts on whatever the television was showing.

"Hey, Hana," Lyserg suddenly spoke from the phone, "do you want some tea with Heather? She's inviting us over."

"Tea? Bloody hell. I'm never touching Japanese tea when I get back home," Hana said to himself, but he looked back at Lyserg and shrugged. "Okay. What time will it be?"

"In 10 minutes. We're having a tea-tasting session!" Lyserg beamed. "And wine-tasting. You can drink, if you're not going to tell your mum."

"I'm not telling, promise," Hana mumbled, as he rolled on his back and lazily got up. "Just…tell me when you're going off."

* * *

Hao's place was just as pristine as before. Hana greeted 'Heather' with a smile that soon turned into horror when he saw the most genuine smile from Hao.

"What-" Hana started but was swiftly cut off as Morphine floated by, obviously excited and gleeful. She gave Hao a thumbs-up and floated into a vase, away from sight.

"Come on, love, take your seat," Heather gestured, pulling Hana to his seat. Lyserg smiled genially, taking a sip of a teacup Hao had set aside.

"Tea is an aphrodisiac, really," Lyserg remarked, as he took another sip. He beamed at the taste and closed his eyes. "Ah, this is really splendid! Heather, did you, by chance, put in any special ingredient?"

"No, not at all, unless you count my hard effort into making it the perfect brew!" Heather replied, smiling back.

"Goodness, it's really addictive!" Lyserg took a sip, then a gulp of tea. "Don't mind if I do," and with that, he helped himself to the single pot of tea.

Heather watched with a pleasant smile. Hana just shuddered at whatever Lyserg was taking. "Hana, care for some chocolates instead?" Heather asked, handing him some chocolates on a silver platter.

He was about to oblige and sink his teeth into the chocolates until he took a look at Lyserg, who had started pouring from the third pot of tea, and shook his head vigorously. "No thanks, much."

"It's not spiked, mind you," Hao mumbled in his normal voice.

"…wha-"

"Just have a chocolate, love," Heather's sweet voice filled the air once again and Hana sighed as he grudgingly took one.

"Chocolate and tea don't mix very well, though," Lyserg pointed out.

"Yes, that I have to agree. Care for some tidbits anyway?" Hana, though a little dull at times, heard Heather's voice change into one that was more masculine and more…_Hao _than usual.

"My, my, Heather, your voice…are you down with something?" Lyserg asked. Hana looked into his eyes; they weren't trained on anything in particular. Whatever Hao had put inside his tea was kicking in, but was it enough to throw the detective off from reality.

"Yes…must be the weather," Heather dismissed it with a flick of a hand. "Anyway, have some more tea, will you not?"

"Mm, thank you." Lyserg took a gulp of his tea. "You know, I've never had such a nice neighbor before."

"…Really?" If Heather was trying to be surprised, she had failed miserably. "Well, I'm glad I mean that much to you."

Suddenly, Hana felt something rise up in his throat, forcing its way up. "Where's the bathroom-"

"Walk to the corridor and turn right," Heather swiftly replied, still smiling.

"Right. Okay." Hana quickly went over to the toilet. Running over to the sink, he threw up all the disgusting chocolate Hao fed him. "What the _fuck _did he put in the chocolate?"

He wiped his mouth and was about to exit when he saw a familiar camcorder sitting on the toilet cover. It wasn't switched on, but it suddenly occurred to Hana that Hao might have poisoned his food just to make sure Hana would find it.

As he flipped open the screen, a note fell and Hana picked it up hastily.

_Hana,_

_Behind the tile above the toilet paper holder is a hole where you can watch and film everything down, in the comfort of the loo. Please remove said tile (I am sure your small brain is able to process that) and you'll see. _

_Hao_

_PS Please don't mind Morphine. Unless she destroys my plan. In that case, destroy that pesky insect._

Hana resisted the urge to barge out of the toilet to spill everything to Lyserg for the insult Hao paid him, and he hurriedly sought to remove the tile. It seemed a little daunting at first, because there wasn't any indication that it could be removed, but Hana wriggled it a little in its place and finally removed it.

He realized that the inside was a nice, hollow shape, and Morphine was nestled inside, peeping into the hole on the other side. "Yo," Hana hissed, and she jumped. Angered, she shook her fist at him.

"Okay, okay, fine. Here, the camera. We need to record this, apparently," Hana mumbled, as he inserted the camera inside. Opening the viewfinder, the two of them began to watch what was to unfold in the living room.

* * *

"Urgh…" Lyserg mumbled to himself, tittering back and forth even though he was seated. "Is there a fog in here…?"

Hao looked on, amused. He watched Lyserg stare at him oddly. The Shaman King half-wondered what he was thinking. Reishi had long gone, and naturally, Hao was quite glad he was free of all the shallow, insignificant thoughts that flooded his mind like spam e-mail from random African princes asking for money. But then again, the reading of the heart had its benefits.

For instance, Hao knew that among all five warriors, Lyserg was the most sexually confused. The green-haired shaman wasn't quite sure who to 'pick' – Jeanne or Marco.

Then Marco died somehow and Jeanne got married. _That_ complicated things.

As Hao continued to observe the clearly drunk man, he smiled. What a mystery – years of solitude coupled with a lack of concrete sexual orientation. He hoped that 'Heather' would reveal everything once and for all.

"Lyserg, are you alright?" Heather asked, not in the least bit concerned. "Do you need to lie down?"

And much to Hao's horror, Lyserg lunged in for the most disgustingly sloppy kiss he had ever experienced. For the first time in literal centuries, his cheeks burned up at the thought of being filmed and watched by _Morphine _and _Hana_

Asakura Hao had kissed many women and prostitutes over centuries. He had never gotten an STD or anything ridiculous, because, after all, he was the greatest shaman who ever lived/died. But as Lyserg pulled away, Hao resolved to get himself checked, and to buy a gallon of pure alcohol to drown his body in.

_What the FUCK, Lyserg? WHAT. THE. FLYING. FUCK. _"…you need water. I'll get water."

Hao hurriedly excused himself, and when Lyserg wasn't looking, he turned towards the hole that concealed Morphine and Hana. He heard Hana struggling to conceal his laughter, and very calmly, he set fire to the camcorder.

Now, as he overheard Hana and Morphine rushing to the sink to vanquish the fire, he grabbed a mug and chugged down two cups of water, before filling it for the third time and walking back to Lyserg. "Feeling…_better_?" Heather asked. Hao resisted the overwhelming urge to add _you disgusting sexually confused kisser_ to it.

"I…you know, Heather, your lips…" and Hao fought his flames of sheer fury against the green-haired shaman as Lyserg absentmindedly touched his lips, "…they were exactly as I imagined…but not on you though…"

…what? Again, Hao glowered to himself and tried not to ignite the idiot's loins. "They…remind me of a certain someone…" and at this, Lyserg frowned.

"And who might that someone be, may I ask?" Hao raised his eyebrows in anticipation.

"That someone…in my dreams for a long, long time." Lyserg giggled.

"Some…dude who murdered my parents."

* * *

The room was a deathly silence before Lyserg collapsed, sprawled on the couch, at Hao's feet, because the Shaman King could no longer tolerate being all understanding and Heather-ish.

* * *

"Excuse me," a calm, deep voice began, "I need a check-up at your hospital tomorrow, please."

Lyserg stirred and got up. At least, he tried to. He couldn't really tell who was making the phone call; it didn't sound like Hana and his hair certainly wasn't brown like-

"Yo, Hao, he's awake," Hana called out, and then he quickly ran out of the door. Morphine jumped and sprinted (if that was possible) towards Lyserg, looking very concerned.

Lyserg squirmed and realized he was tied down to the bed. "W-What is going on?"

Hao finally got out of his chair and blinked. "You're being tied to your bed. _That's _going on," he remarked, adding a hint of sarcastic helpfulness to his tone.

"…But _why_?"

Hao shrugged. "I'm making bondage a must in my little routine."

Lyserg blushed wildly. "S-So-"

The Shaman King realized what he said. "Lyserg Diethel, the man who murdered your parents and caused you misery for years; he ties you to a bedpost and the only coherent thought you can come up with is brutal sex?" Hao shook his head. "I knew you were weird, but really? And here I thought I was a sadistic cruel bastard."

Lyserg trained his eyes on Hao. "Will you untie me or what?"

Morphine glared at Hao, who rolled his eyes and waved his hand dismissively. Fire began to burn at the ropes that bound Lyserg, and before the green-haired shaman could scream or panic, the ropes, along with the fire, were gone.

"Thank you," Lyserg said, and Hao stayed where he was, unwavering. "I…suppose you want an explanation?"

"If your brain is functioning correctly, then yes. I'd like to hear why you kissed the murderer of your parents. To traumatize me or something?" Hao's voice didn't hold as much sarcasm as Lyserg expected. Instead, traces of curiosity were heard.

"I…" and Lyserg smiled. "I don't know."

An audible choking noise was heard from the Shaman King. "What sort of response was _that_?"

"…one that came from my heart."

Hao let out a laugh. "After all these years of being tormented by the deaths of your parents…you garnered the little strength in your heart to love against your biological sexuality. And not just that, of all the millions of men out there, you chose to love the murderer of your parents." Hao shook his head. "You, Lyserg Diethel, are _unbelievable. _Just…_wow._"

He checked the time on his watch. "You know what? I'm just going to head back first. You take care of your silly mind, Lyserg, and take care of my darling _nephew_." With that, the Shaman King exited the bedroom, leaving Lyserg to his own thoughts.

After a moment, Hana came in. "You alright, Lyserg?" he asked concernedly.

Lyserg looked up and smiled. "Yes. I'm alright." He chuckled to himself. "You know, I thought of your father while Hao was…_talking _to me."

Hana almost screamed at the graphic image of Lyserg and his dad making out, as Lyserg got off his bed. "Yoh taught me…a lot of things."

_I hope it's not about having gay sex_, Hana thought to himself.

"And I think Hao…he hasn't learnt much yet." Lyserg moved about the bedroom, setting his belongings right. "I think Hao was actually scared."

"Really?" This piqued Hana's curiosity and also gave the boy much relief. "Why?"

"Because for all these years, he hasn't really gotten close to anyone, enough for him to love and be loved." Lyserg shrugged. "So when he realized he was _my _love, he wasn't prepared for anything like that."

"To suddenly have someone loving you…he found it disconcerting, and scary. Hao has never been taken aback by anything, so this was a scary surprise for him."

Hana nodded, agreeing with his explanation. "That's…actually really cool of you to think of it that way, Lyserg."

Lyserg smiled at Hana. "Thank you. And when you see Hao again, tell him I said thank you, too. For making me more…aware of myself."

Hana edged closer to the door. "Um…yeah…sure. I will."

* * *

_Geez, should've given me THAT explanation instead,_ Hao thought to himself, as he summoned the Spirit of Fire and flew off from Lyserg's ledge.

* * *

_You're welcome_.

* * *

…**how did I…?**

**Hao versus Lyserg, 0-1**

**This was weird. I don't even know how I thought of that. I hope no one was OOC…**

**REVIEW!**


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